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Thread: You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Serve On A Starship, but...

  1. Top | #11
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    Compared to their Mirror Universe counterparts:

    The Mirror Andorians are the Andorians’ intellectual equals, but moral inferiors.

    The Mirror Tellarates are the Tellarites’ moral equals, but oh my god ugly.

    The Mirror Romulans are Vulcans. They never split off.

    The Mirror Vulcans are pretty much Romulans. And Vulcan (Romulan) Ale is legal anywhere in the Empire.

    The Mirror Klingons are pretty much Klingons. They just have slightly different inventories of technology, what with never having had a treaty with the Romulans who never existed.

    The Mirror Humans are the intellectual superiors of humans, but their moral inferiority prevents them from taking advantage of that fact, what with the politics, infighting, assassinations, form-fitting and/or revealing uniforms that indicate the whole species has the sex drive of Viagra-pumped bunny rabbits with the discerning tastes of a rabid chinchilla, and the general availability of Vulcan Ale. There is no minimum drinking age, either, as no one ever died of alcohol-related health problems. I mean, unless you count ‘playing with your own agonizer while drunk’ an alcohol-related health problem…

  2. Top | #12
    Elder Contributor Underseer's Avatar
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    It might be fun to include possible Ferengi responses to these various scenarios.

  3. Top | #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Underseer View Post
    It might be fun to include possible Ferengi responses to these various scenarios.
    A worthy challenge...



    Ferengi encounter a temporal anomaly.
    Mark the location of the anomaly, sell this information to other space faring species on maps to known space hazards.
    But when you buy this, they bill you as having subscribed to the knowledge, backdated to whenever the anomaly comes out.

    Ferengi entertainment technology becomes sentient, turns off the safeties, and becomes a threat to life on board.
    CO doubles the premiums for insurance policies for using the entertainment.

    A powerful alien race captures the ship, holds the crew, and the rest of their entire species, on trial for various crimes committed during Ferengi development as a culture.
    Ferengi crew starts bidding on who can be a better witness for the prosecution in turning states evidence, flipping for the alien judge. Judge washes his hands of this case, wants no part of this backstabbing feeding frenzy, figures the other space-faring races in this quadrant will eventually kill these fuckers as a moral imperative.

    A crewman is exposed to space madness, becomes a threat to all life on board, yadda yadda.
    CO cancels the crewman's insurance poli, then shoots him.

    An alien who visited Ferenginar eons ago and was worshiped as a goddess encounters the crew.
    CO contacts Ferenginar, where a class-action lawsuit has been on hold for one-half of eons ago, demanding satisfaction for two hundred and forty five generations of unanswered prayers, uncompensated sacrifices, unremarked obeisance, and temple worker overtime. Exact change would be appreciated. "Goddess" denies all claims to divinity, bags ass at high warp, never to be seen again.


    An unfathomable alien being or artifact or something starts to mess with the ship’s technology, to alter the ship in unpredictable and irresistible ways, none of which matches anything in the crew’s frame of reference.
    CO parks the ship in a stable orbit, files for a theme park license, sells tickets to Crazyland.

    Pacifist aliens fear the starship is the first of an invasion, attempt to distract the crew by placing them in a simulation of Ferengi utopia.
    Ferengi avarice knowing no bounds, Ferrengi paradise is a never-ending cycle of greed feeding on greater greed. Whatever the simulation provides, they demand double. Then double that. Then double THAT. Simulation is already facing overload when the CO challenges his department heads to a dabo tournament. The betting on the third round blows the computer's circuits like monopole popcorn, affecting every other unit on the network, wiping out most of civilization in that system. Surviving pacifists are forced to borrow heavily to purchase safe transport to their cousin's solar system, where they move into the system's basement 'for a while,' until they get 'back on their feet.'

    Compared to their Mirror Universe counterparts:
    The Mirror Ferengi are pretty much like our Ferengi, but are light-years ahead in the application of extended warranties.

  4. Top | #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keith&Co. View Post
    Humans go through it, save Abraham Lincoln, try to come back, find that their initial passage through the anomaly destabilized it, randomly flip switches in the engine room until their warp field is compatible with the anomaly, come back, find that Lincoln’s chosen successor made Hitler look like Little Mary Sunshine, ignore every known method of time travel they’ve ever encountered, INCLUDING THE ONES THEY INVENTED, and start flipping switches again…
    Indeed. And based on Star Trek, most of the shit that they encounter is junk from Earth anyway. Abraham Lincoln, V-Ger, Tesla Roadster, Botany Bay... if Star Trek was about the other species it would all just be missions to tell humans to clean up their own garbage.

    Actually, now that I think about it, that explains Star Trek perfectly. Why does the enterprise, mainly a human space ship, bump into human space debris so often? It's because other species in the Federation are sick and tired of dealing with humanity's shit all over the place, so whenever they see a disembodied giant head in a top hat floating in space, they'll just call back to the base: "Human cultural reference anomaly clean up on aisle 4. Send the Enterprise."

  5. Top | #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jayjay View Post
    , they'll just call back to the base: "Human cultural reference anomaly clean up on aisle 4. Send the Enterprise."
    Must suck to make Admiral in Star Fleet if you're not human.
    "Congratulations! Here's your first star! There's your desk. This is your staff. This is your secret input to the operations manager. This is your svlakk machine and-"
    "Wait, my secret what?"
    "Your input. Your secret input. You know."
    "No, I don't."
    "Well, you had a star command, right?"
    "Eighteen years. Three platforms!"
    "Great, great. And you ran into human debris from time to time?"
    "Well, yeah. Everyone does."
    "So, what you did was report it up OUR chain of command. THen, whoever sat in this office at that time, had to craft a suggestion to the operations manager to have a human ship dispatched to that site."
    "We didn't just say, send the Enterprise to clean up y'all's shit?"
    "No, no, they get huffy if they think WE think maybe they shouldn't have their shit spread across the galaxy like all of known space was a vacant lot near a freeway offramp."
    "A what?"
    "Never mind. Just... Okay, this notebook has the suggestions that everyone's made for the last 324 years. DON'T use a suggestion that's been used during this operation manager's tenure, INCLUDING his time on a previous manager's staff."
    "Suggest a joint training exercise held at... Someone should perform a survey near... Gaseous anomalies noted near... Okay. But how do we suggest that they send a human crew?"
    "Dude. Have YOU ever been tasked with performing a survey of gaseous anomalies?"
    "No... OH! So, ONLY humans get those jobs, anyway."
    "Exactly. WHy do you think the Fleet's 78% human?"

  6. Top | #16
    Elder Contributor Underseer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keith&Co. View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Underseer View Post
    It might be fun to include possible Ferengi responses to these various scenarios.
    A worthy challenge...



    Ferengi encounter a temporal anomaly.
    Mark the location of the anomaly, sell this information to other space faring species on maps to known space hazards.
    But when you buy this, they bill you as having subscribed to the knowledge, backdated to whenever the anomaly comes out.

    Ferengi entertainment technology becomes sentient, turns off the safeties, and becomes a threat to life on board.
    CO doubles the premiums for insurance policies for using the entertainment.

    A powerful alien race captures the ship, holds the crew, and the rest of their entire species, on trial for various crimes committed during Ferengi development as a culture.
    Ferengi crew starts bidding on who can be a better witness for the prosecution in turning states evidence, flipping for the alien judge. Judge washes his hands of this case, wants no part of this backstabbing feeding frenzy, figures the other space-faring races in this quadrant will eventually kill these fuckers as a moral imperative.

    A crewman is exposed to space madness, becomes a threat to all life on board, yadda yadda.
    CO cancels the crewman's insurance poli, then shoots him.

    An alien who visited Ferenginar eons ago and was worshiped as a goddess encounters the crew.
    CO contacts Ferenginar, where a class-action lawsuit has been on hold for one-half of eons ago, demanding satisfaction for two hundred and forty five generations of unanswered prayers, uncompensated sacrifices, unremarked obeisance, and temple worker overtime. Exact change would be appreciated. "Goddess" denies all claims to divinity, bags ass at high warp, never to be seen again.


    An unfathomable alien being or artifact or something starts to mess with the ship’s technology, to alter the ship in unpredictable and irresistible ways, none of which matches anything in the crew’s frame of reference.
    CO parks the ship in a stable orbit, files for a theme park license, sells tickets to Crazyland.

    Pacifist aliens fear the starship is the first of an invasion, attempt to distract the crew by placing them in a simulation of Ferengi utopia.
    Ferengi avarice knowing no bounds, Ferrengi paradise is a never-ending cycle of greed feeding on greater greed. Whatever the simulation provides, they demand double. Then double that. Then double THAT. Simulation is already facing overload when the CO challenges his department heads to a dabo tournament. The betting on the third round blows the computer's circuits like monopole popcorn, affecting every other unit on the network, wiping out most of civilization in that system. Surviving pacifists are forced to borrow heavily to purchase safe transport to their cousin's solar system, where they move into the system's basement 'for a while,' until they get 'back on their feet.'

    Compared to their Mirror Universe counterparts:
    The Mirror Ferengi are pretty much like our Ferengi, but are light-years ahead in the application of extended warranties.
    Buwahahahahaha!

    Any other ideas? Bajorans (religious nuts)? Cardassians (violent, oppressive, fussy bureaucrats)?

  7. Top | #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Underseer View Post
    Any other ideas? Bajorans (religious nuts)? Cardassians (violent, oppressive, fussy bureaucrats)?
    I wouldn't really classify the Bajorans as 'religious nuts.' Their Prophets exist, have regular interactions with the Bajoran people, and demonstrate this fact to people outside their religion. In the case of the Bajorans, 'religion' might even better be classified as 'paying attention.'

  8. Top | #18
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    If you're taking requests:

    A starship has been abducted by the captains' long time rival/nemesis. The rival/nemesis is holding the crew hostage, forcing the captain to use the starship in a criminal enterprise, or the crew gets it.

  9. Top | #19
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    You Don't Have To Be Crazy To Serve On A Starship, but it certainly helps
    NOTE: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

  10. Top | #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Patooka View Post
    A starship has been abducted by the captains' long time rival/nemesis. The rival/nemesis is holding the crew hostage, forcing the captain to use the starship in a criminal enterprise, or the crew gets it.
    The Andorian CO turns on the ALL CALL circuit, recites the oath he took when he assumed command, the oath he took upon his commissioning, and the promise he made his Blood-father the day he left home for the Academy. Then he invites the crew to make peace with their ancestor-ghosts, the self-destruct is engaged and set for thirteen minutes. Tick-tock-tick-tock… Boom.

    The Tellarite CO turns from the view screen to glare at the gag gift the crew presented on his last birthday. Fifteen space credits worth of Deltan Sex Crème. Four hundred crew, fifteen space credits collected. And he personally slipped the XO ten space credits to start the collecting! He sets the timer to thirty goddamned seconds and punches the self-destruct button. Then he punches ALL CALL and informs the crew they can have the rest of the day off. HA-HA-HBoom.

    The Vulcan CO begins to deconstruct the scenario, “Starting with the fact that the threat is dependent on an emotional bond to my crew that exceeds my integrity, a bond there is no evidence for and is completely a fabrication in your mind.” He continues to weigh the pros and cons of cooperating vice resisting, aloud and in great detail, until Nemesis begins stabbing the self-destruct button like a Type A personality waiting for the elevator. B-b-b-BOOM.

    The Romulan CO leans back in his command chair and smiles at the screen, calling his rival an unambitious piker. “You mean to tell me you’ve got control of TWO starships and you want to commit ONE crime?” The rival raises one eyebrow as she says, “I’m listening…”

    The rival makes his presentation and awaits the CO’s response. Klingon CO and his XO make the usual comments, such as how hard it is to get any real work done in an election year, how deep this will put them into the annual revenge budget, and then unlock the computer so the stats on the crime can be uploaded. As usual.

    The Ferengi CO cannot support the crime he’s directed to commit, he simply cannot. The Rival carefully lists the steps he’s taken to make his threat credible. The CO transmits his bank balance to show that he already committed that crime earlier this week. So he’ll give Rival ten minutes to think up a second crime they can commit. “You DO have a backup, don’t you? Isn’t Rule 223 ‘Always start scheming revenge with a backup plan.’?”

    The Human CO begins by telling the command crew the complete backstory of him and Nemesis (assuming that he knows the story. Sometimes they spring these nemeses on you from out of nowhere, like an illegitimate son you had by a woman you haven’t even thought of in twenty years.), and why it’s blossomed into this week's threat to all life on board. About the time the XO starts moving slowly towards the self-destruct button, he wraps that up and they decide if the morally superior choice in this situation is to become pirates, then, well, they’ll become the best goddamned pirates in the Alpha Quadrant! When the navigator points out that they’re actually situated in the Beta Quadrant at this time, the captain jokingly directs them to make him ‘walk the plank.’ The crew rushes to comply, despite Nav AND the CO telling them to stand down.
    "Sunday. But no rest for the wicked. The new uniform standards have been published. Everything in the current wardrobe must go. On the plus side, the weapons officer looks good in a dress. Wish he'd shave his legs, though..."

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