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Thread: How did Peter end up as Heaven's doorman?

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    Elder Contributor Underseer's Avatar
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    How did Peter end up as Heaven's doorman?



    Like a lot of Christian fan-fiction, this one can be chalked up to painters from centuries ago.

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    No it's quite scriptural. It derives from that verse about Peter being given the keys.
    Matthew 16:19

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    St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

    "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

    "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

    "Sounds easy enough. OK."

    So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"

    The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

    Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

    "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

    Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

    "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

    Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

    The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

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    Three old nuns die in a convent bus collision and are now facing St. Peter. "You were taken here by mistake," he tells them. "You are so faithful that we wish you to return to earth and take the real-life role of a great woman. You may make your own choice, using your own virtue as a guide."
    The first nun takes a deep breath and says, "I wish to be Mary, and bring the Christ child into the world." Poof, she's gone.
    The second nun says, "I wish to be Mother Teresa and spread the church's mission of mercy." Poof, gone.
    The third nun, a big old broad with fogged-over glasses, hems and haws and says, "I wanna be Sarah Pippilini."
    St Peter blinks and says, "There is no Sarah Pippilini in the lore of our church. Are you certain that is the name?"
    She repeats, "Sarah Pip-i-lini!!!" She reaches into her bodice and pulls out an old and much-creased newspaper clipping and hands it over.
    St Peter scans it, looks at her, looks at the clipping and says, "This is about the Sahara Pipeline, and yes, it was laid by 5000 men over a period of five years."

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    Elder Contributor Underseer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
    No it's quite scriptural. It derives from that verse about Peter being given the keys.
    Matthew 16:19
    You didn't even watch the video, did you?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Horatio Parker View Post
    "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet. He died but returned to life"
    At least that is the way I heard it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Underseer View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Lion IRC View Post
    No it's quite scriptural. It derives from that verse about Peter being given the keys.
    Matthew 16:19
    You didn't even watch the video, did you?
    Nope.

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    "We'd like to purchase three tickets to Pittsburgh, and we would like our change in dimes and nickels, if you please. And, mind you, miss, if you continue to dress in such a provocative manner, when you die and go to heaven, St. Finger is going to shake his Peter at you."

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    The same way that the doorman at Trump hotels are hired:

    He completes an online app that asks a series of hypothetical questions, all of which are answerable as "Refer matter to a supervisor." He was immediately hired. However, Trump fires him for not denying he saw him with Stormy Daniels three times.

    Now homeless and derelict, Peter reached out to God: "I have tried my best to be a good man, have pity on me!" God, being a generous soul, hires him as doorman for heaven.

    One day Trump breaths his last, and stands before the pearly gates. Peter says "I have to recuse myself, as you once fired me for not lying." Trump cried "Fake News! I will make sure you never work in this town again for your 'lie'!"

    Unfortunately, heaven is automated. A heavenly voice cries out "Background surveillance is everywhere now. No lie can escape God's ears!" A trap door opens below his feet, and he drops into the nether regions for recycling.

    Oops!

    DCH

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    Zen Hedonist Jobar's Avatar
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    Twas the night before Christmas, and these three guys were out to have themselves a fine ol' time.

    From bar to stripjoint to whorehouse, the three went. Then they went back and started over! But their luck ran out, and the totally blitzed driver ran them into a tree at high speed, and they all died.

    So, the three rather ragged and suddenly sobered miscreants appear before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter gives them all the eye, and crossing his arms, tells them, "OK, we all know what you three were up to, and obviously that isn't the sort of behaviour which gets one into Heaven. But you're in luck; none of you are terribly evil, and this being the night of our dear Saviour's birth, I'm going to give you a chance. If you have an item about your person which can represent some aspect of the Christmas season, then I'll open the Gate and let you in."

    So, the first drunk scratches his head, pats himself down- and smiling, he pulls a lighter from his pocket, flicks it, and says, "This represents the candles of Christmas!"

    Peter smiles, and allows him to enter.

    The second drunk steps up, feeling in his pockets- and comes out with a large ring of keys, which he jingles. "This represents the jingle-bells of the Christmas season!"

    Peter allows this too.

    So the third drunk- who had been driving the car- steps up, in a cold sweat. He doesn't smoke, so has no lighter. And his keys remain in the wreck down on Earth. He desperately goes through all his pockets- and suddenly stops, smiles, and pulls out of a back pocket-

    a skimpy pair of women's panties.

    St. Pete, with a raised eyebrow, says, "Now, just how are *those* supposed to represent the spirit of Christmas, pray tell??"

    And the third drunk, with a huge grin, says-


    "Oh, these are Carol's!"


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