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Thread: Parenting Megathread

  1. Top | #21
    Cyborg with a Tiara
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    I agree about tailoring reactions to kids. My daughter was very upset because she did poorly on a test. Nearly in tears. I said we could work on the material together. She cried, “Why aren’t you mad? Why aren’t you yelling at me? You always go mad when brother had a bad grade!” I replied, “because you already yelled at yourself. You don’t need me to. He did. Does.”

  2. Top | #22
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    Yeah, my Oldest and Tallest went to pieces if we were mad at them. My sister and youngest just figured punishment was the price of doing business. 'I got what i wanted, and now i sit in time out... deal.'

    Until we started charging fines. Money was a different issue for Youngest.

  3. Top | #23
    Cyborg with a Tiara
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    Great advice I read in a book called I Can Problem Solve (get this book it has magic inside) was in getting little kids (really little, toddler to kindergarten) to stop interrupting. By asking them a question that makes them understand, they gain the perspective required for patience.

    Mom: on phone yakyakyak
    Kid: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
    Mom: Dear kid, can I listen to you and isten to the phone at the SAME TIME?
    Kid: No.
    Mom: Then can you do something DIFFERENT while I am on the phone?
    Kid: got it. Different. Mom can’t do that at the Same time.

    And they go away understanding you are limited. It was amazing. And then you get back with them later.

    I really liked that book (and no doubt the website has lots of good too) as it gave specific dialogues that got into the heads of HOW kids think and provided what they craved (information) in a language they understood.

  4. Top | #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhea View Post
    Great advice I read in a book called I Can Problem Solve (get this book it has magic inside) was in getting little kids (really little, toddler to kindergarten) to stop interrupting. By asking them a question that makes them understand, they gain the perspective required for patience.

    Mom: on phone yakyakyak
    Kid: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
    Mom: Dear kid, can I listen to you and isten to the phone at the SAME TIME?
    Kid: No.
    Mom: Then can you do something DIFFERENT while I am on the phone?
    Kid: got it. Different. Mom can’t do that at the Same time.

    And they go away understanding you are limited. It was amazing. And then you get back with them later.

    I really liked that book (and no doubt the website has lots of good too) as it gave specific dialogues that got into the heads of HOW kids think and provided what they craved (information) in a language they understood.
    That was one of the big things I picked up from The Whole Brain Child - perspective.

    To a lot of parents the things that small kids do don't seem to make any sense, but in actuality they make a lot of sense coming from the frame of reference of a small person with no understanding or context. So a part of assuaging their fears is giving them that context.

  5. Top | #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhea View Post
    Great advice I read in a book called I Can Problem Solve (get this book it has magic inside) was in getting little kids (really little, toddler to kindergarten) to stop interrupting. By asking them a question that makes them understand, they gain the perspective required for patience.

    Mom: on phone yakyakyak
    Kid: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
    Mom: Dear kid, can I listen to you and isten to the phone at the SAME TIME?
    Kid: No.
    Mom: Then can you do something DIFFERENT while I am on the phone?
    Kid: got it. Different. Mom can’t do that at the Same time.

    And they go away understanding you are limited. It was amazing. And then you get back with them later.

    I really liked that book (and no doubt the website has lots of good too) as it gave specific dialogues that got into the heads of HOW kids think and provided what they craved (information) in a language they understood.
    And of course, kids being kids... or my kid among others, will interrupt again in the future, despite knowing that Mommy or Daddy can't talk to two people at the same time. "Oh... sorry." Get that so much!

    Regardless, as you previously noted, you are raising individuals, not a group of children, so that requires tailoring, patience, and knowing your child(ren)'s tells.

  6. Top | #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jimmy Higgins View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Rhea View Post
    Great advice I read in a book called I Can Problem Solve (get this book it has magic inside) was in getting little kids (really little, toddler to kindergarten) to stop interrupting. By asking them a question that makes them understand, they gain the perspective required for patience.

    Mom: on phone yakyakyak
    Kid: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!
    Mom: Dear kid, can I listen to you and isten to the phone at the SAME TIME?
    Kid: No.
    Mom: Then can you do something DIFFERENT while I am on the phone?
    Kid: got it. Different. Mom can’t do that at the Same time.

    And they go away understanding you are limited. It was amazing. And then you get back with them later.

    I really liked that book (and no doubt the website has lots of good too) as it gave specific dialogues that got into the heads of HOW kids think and provided what they craved (information) in a language they understood.
    And of course, kids being kids... or my kid among others, will interrupt again in the future, despite knowing that Mommy or Daddy can't talk to two people at the same time. "Oh... sorry." Get that so much!

    Regardless, as you previously noted, you are raising individuals, not a group of children, so that requires tailoring, patience, and knowing your child(ren)'s tells.
    Yes, you are raising individual kids. But if you are raising more than one child, and especially if you are raising more than two children, you are also raising a group of children.

    I had not really thought of it that way, to be honest, until my kids went off to college and had room mates and then came home with stories of roommates who basically didn't know how to share....a bathroom or a kitchen or any space at all. And who had no concept of the fact that their actions/inactions affected others in any way at all and furthermore did not care at all about how what they did/did not do affected other people.

    My parenting was not perfect and my kids are not perfect but they know how to take turns, share space and take responsibility and how to get along with other people. Including the introverts and the one who is probably high functioning on the Asperger's spectrum.

    This is not an argument that everybody should have multiple children. I think everybody should choose for themselves how many children, if any, they wish to raise. Full stop.

    But if you are raising multiple children, you are also raising them as a group and not merely a collection of individuals. Having been raised by parents who basically saw the 2nd through the 4th as somewhat less good copies of the first, with identical needs/wants/dreams/desires, I really strove to raise my kids as individuals. It was not planned that they would also learn to be part of a group as a fully functioning member, capable of looking after themselves and on occasion, prodding others to do their share as well. That was simply a happy bi-product of being raised in a group.

  7. Top | #27
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    I neve went to college, but i did observe sailors who were away from home for the first time. And helpless.

    One guy washed a black uniform with a white uniform, two cups of Tide and one cup of bleach. Flooded the laundry room with suds, and became the proud owner of two sets of greys.
    Wife saw similar things when she joined.
    So all our kids can clean a bathroom, do laundry, write a shopping list, cook a meal, load a dishwasher, all as part of normal expectations.

    Started with easy stuff, like frozen chicken and frozen fries, then when they got bored with that, they asked us for more challenging recipes.

  8. Top | #28
    Cyborg with a Tiara
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    I agree with teaching them enough to not be an annoying roommate or a helpless spectator to problems. I have always made my kids be the one to check in at doctor’s office wile I stand behind, I make them step up to the motor vehicle counter, and even when very young made them ask the librarian themselves if they wanted help. They seem to have some relief compared to friends when faced with stuff. When they got their licenses, I taught them how to exchange papers and take photos in an accident, change a tire and fill fluids. And yeah, how to share and make space for others in their house. Because life is hard enough without having to navigate people who are mad at you and you don’t know why.

  9. Top | #29
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    I only had one child, but my world didn't evolve around him and he was taught to share and be kind to others from a very early age. I wish my grandchildren were as well behaved as my son was. Since I hate it when grandparents interfere, I will always remain silent regardless of what I think might be parenting mistakes. It's easy because i only see them once a year. I've noticed that the maternal grandmother seems to feel free to correct the grandkids, but my daughter in law would be upset with me if I opened my mouth, so I don't. I think the maternal grandmother often has an advantage, especially if she has a close relationship with her own daughter. Plus in our case, we live too far away to maintain a very close relationship. Oh well.


    It's also a good idea, imo, to have your children take responsibility with things like cleaning their rooms, and doing the laundry, at least by the time they reach puberty. When my son was about 13 or 14, I told him that he had to do his own laundry. From that day forward, I never did his laundry again, or cleaned his room or bathroom. If it was messy, it was his problem. Before he got married, he kept his first apartment very neat and clean, so I assume that it helped.

  10. Top | #30
    My Brane Hertz spikepipsqueak's Avatar
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    I am raising 2 kids, one of whom is deaf.

    When I met them, 4 and 5, the deaf one was treated as the centre of the universe and the hearing one was basically spare parts.

    He was quite independent and readily learnt independence skills, but it seemed to me an unhealthy independence, as if he was used to viewing the rest of the world as a spectator and unused to being cared for. The deaf one didn't understand that there are other people in the world to be considered, and I could understand why.

    It is taking me an unconscionably long time to get them to meet in the middle, they have both come to regard it as power game to get other people to do stuff for them. It doesn't help that their father rarely stirs from his TV if he is not at work. He is modelling selfishness for them like a textbook. The older one said to me a few months ago "Of course I sit around doing nothing, I'm a male aren't I?"

    I don't feel that I am without resources in this, but I am deathly afraid of stuffing it up and I feel I am fighting an uphill battle.

    Oddly, I wasn't as hesitant in raising my own son and he, poor soul, had all the disadvantages of being my "learner driver" kid.
    My Brane Hertz

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