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Thread: And she called me stupid

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    And she called me stupid

    I overheard a conversation she was having, and in light of it decided to pose a hypothetical scenario question. We’ve known each other a long time, and we speak our minds, so trust me when I say calling me stupid was mild. Although I’ve been called a whole lot worse by her over the years, truth is, we’ve become friends and there’s just no telling what we might say. At any rate, my hypothetical was meant to simplify and parallel the jist of something she said in the conversation I heard. I’ll now pose it to you all.

    Let’s say someone comes to you to borrow $100 — with the agreement that it will be paid back next Friday. You lend it to her. Next Friday comes, but you are not paid back. So, this someone still owes you $100.

    Fast forward a couple months later. The person still hasn’t paid nor has forgotten, but you need to borrow $200 —with the agreement that it will be paid back next Friday. She lends it to you.

    When Friday comes,

    do you A) pay back a hundred dollars (of the $200) thereby balancing the books such that no one owes either any money, or

    do you B) pay back the entire two hundred dollars, with that person still owing you $100?

    She said “A”

    She said, “what, you’d pay [$200]?”

    I said yes and she called me stupid.

    She said her not being paid back is partly why she’s in the mess now—would of only had to borrow $100.

    My reasoning is that two wrongs don’t make it right; they’re independent agreements. A person not honoring her agreement doesn’t justify me breaking mine.

    I told a couple others what had happened. Both said they’d only pay back $100. One also thought I was stupid. One understood where I was coming from. She tried to explain that people that lend shouldn’t expect it back. I said, as the borrower, I can still decide to keep my word and honor my agreement regardless of the choices others make. If she wants to turn around and pay me back the $100 she owes, that’s her choice.

    On moral grounds, I think I have the upper hand, but on stupidity grounds, that’s still up in the air. If this were a legal transaction with extra zeros and there was a caveat for me to take an “A” type position, morality be damned, I wouldn’t be stupid, but with little money, I don’t see the advantage of doing what’s wrong—even if the person you’re doing it to would actually understand and accept it.

    I think some may hold that it wouldn’t be wrong to pay back only the $100, but for those that think it is actually wrong but also thinks it’s stupid, if they are right, it would be stupid to do what’s right.

    Any thoughts?
    Last edited by fast; 05-20-2019 at 01:46 AM.

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    Cyborg with a Tiara
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    I would definitely have said something. Like “Do you want me to just pay back the $100 so we’re even up now? I’m prepared to pay what I borrowed, but if you want to use the opportunity to square up, let me know.”

    I wouldn’t say “stupid”, but I would definitely have used the opportunity to discuss.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhea View Post
    I would definitely have said something. Like “Do you want me to just pay back the $100 so we’re even up now? I’m prepared to pay what I borrowed, but if you want to use the opportunity to square up, let me know.”

    I wouldn’t say “stupid”, but I would definitely have used the opportunity to discuss.
    So you (like me) would have been willing to pay the entire $200; granted, it’s post discussion, but ultimately, you wouldn’t have just commingled the agreements and adjusted accordingly.

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    Contributor DBT's Avatar
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    Putting aside discussing the arrangement with her, which appears preferable...returning the $200 puts the ball back in her court. It is then up to her to do what you did, give you the $100 that she owes you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DBT View Post
    Putting aside discussing the arrangement with her, which appears preferable...returning the $200 puts the ball back in her court. It is then up to her to do what you did, give you the $100 that she owes you.
    I think the morality of the situation is independent of any further discussion whatsoever. It might be smart to remind her of what has not been forgotten (to what end, apply pressure regarding a prior agreement?), but the right thing to do is honor my current agreement. Any pressure to secure previous money borrowed could have taken place before the second agreement (or even during the later arrangement), but to wait until the ball is in my court to have this discussion kinda makes things look a bit premeditated on my part. Why else not bring it up originally?

    See, you came to me for help, and I helped you. I got screwed over, and when I came to you for help, I didn’t bring it up, so now while I have you by the balls, i’m now gonna have a discussion? If there was ever any possibility that I had no intentions on paying you back as agreed, I should never have come to you in the first place—or accepted any proposal from you should you have offered to lend me the money had you noticed I needed it.

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    Mazzie Daius fromderinside's Avatar
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    Never lend to those with whom you expect to converse in the future.

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    Veteran Member Treedbear's Avatar
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    I don't get the idea that she had $200 available to lend to you or possibly to someone else but she didn't have the $100 available to pay you back. Something's missing from the equation. And it doesn't seem like this all is about what's legally justified. It was a handshake agreement based on personal trust.

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    You agreed to repay $200:
    Fast forward a couple months later. The person still hasn’t paid nor has forgotten, but you need to borrow $200 —with the agreement that it will be paid back next Friday.
    If you wanted to pay $100 and cancel the debt, why not say so?

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    Veteran Member Treedbear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Treedbear View Post
    I don't get the idea that she had $200 available to lend to you or possibly to someone else but she didn't have the $100 available to pay you back. Something's missing from the equation. And it doesn't seem like this all is about what's legally justified. It was a handshake agreement based on personal trust.
    ETA - If it didn't simply involve money changing hands then I'd grant that you were probably obliged to honor the commitment you made to her. Such as if you'd agreed to lend her your car to run an errand or to pick up her child at the doctor or some such. There's the tacit assumption that the money was a separate issue. So unless there was some understanding when you agreed to pay back the $200 that included the reason she hadn't paid you back yet, then yeah it was essentially stupid. But I wouldn't want to assume that.

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    Quote Originally Posted by fromderinside View Post
    Never lend to those with whom you expect to converse in the future.
    This. Or go ahead and lend the money, but be sure you're 100% ok with just letting the debt slide when the disagreements about payback come up.

    To me, the name-calling between friends would be the bigger deal than the money. There's no way I'd tolerate it. My friendships have an unbreakable condition on them: it's mutual respect, or BYE.

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