Things that make you laugh...

[Keith&Co.]

Okay, so, one time in the off-crew offices of my first submarine, my LPO said it was time to go to training.
I said, "All in favor, say 'Sasquatch.'" And since there was really no option, half the division said, "Sasquatch."
For a while after that, I appended some commands ro suggestions with 'All in favor, say' and a random word.
When we went on patrol, i stopped waiting for a suggestion. I would just say, "All in favor, say 'Banana.'" And the division would duly say "Banana."
"Cumquat." "Vitiate." "Defenestration."
So, about six months of this. We turn the boat over to the other crew and go back to our offices. And the first day of our training period, i decided that i didn't want to be there. And at 0800 hours, i said, "All in favor, say 'Liberty.'" And the LPO said, "Liberty." So we filtered out of the office and went home. On Liberty.
The next day, he asked 'where did you guys all go?'
"Dude, you put down liberty!"
"When did i put down liberty?"
"When Keith said 'All in favor, say liberty.'"
And he automatically repeated 'Liberty.' When he turned around, we were gone.

Wednesday, he bodily blocked the door and told us that actually liberty did not go down until he formally and carefully intoned the code phrase: Alright, you motherfuckers can go on liberty, now.
Duly noted.

A few months after that, one of the guys finally noticed that i no longer asked anyone to say a word.
Hey, i'd already gotten two days off with it. That wasn't happening again.

[repoman]

crazy youtube comments:

Here is one..

"I have to stop shoving pickles up my ass, they will never turn back into cucumbers that way."

[Keith&Co.]

When i was in 12th grade, i spent one of my periods as a teacher's aide for 10th grade English. I wasn't quick in typing up worksheets, but i could grade her tests lickety split and i even found errors in her answer keys from time to time.
One day i walked into the classroom in the middle of a discussion and she spun. "Keith! What's the plural of moose?"
I had no idea. I made my eyes wide, looked left, looked right, and said "Holy Jesus there's a moose everywhere you look!"

- - - Updated - - -

crazy youtube comments:

Here is one..

"I have to stop shoving pickles up my ass, they will never turn back into cucumbers that way."

Well, yeah, pickles are the cucumber undead. Shriveled, odd colors, strange smells, and they show up when you're least prepared for them...

[Keith&Co.]

My son reports a highly intellectual exchange on one of his regular forums.
The debate had reached that point of the process where one participant had the clarity to point out, "Well, you're just a faggot who likes My Little Pony."
To which the other individual replied: "Well, you're just a faggot who DOESN'T like My Little Pony. What's your point?"

[Thomas II]

[Keith&Co.]

Because i was SOOOOO clean and pure as a teen, I only really have one drug story. I learned it when a bunch of missile techs took the Master At Arms course. We were there for the nightstick training, but had fun with the drug curricula and other parts.

Seems a Master at Arms was teaching a Drug Recognition course to some officers. He had a cigar box with three joints in it. They passed it around, with the instructions to crack it, sniff, and then open it to see what that smell was. This was so that as the officers toured their spaces, they might recognize the smell.

Anyway, it passes around once, and when it gets back to the instructor, it only had two joints in it.

'Ha ha. Very funny. Now, I'm going to pass it around again, and this time I want everything back.' Around it goes, comes back, now it has just one joint inside.

'This isn't funny. Everyone put your head down on the desk, when the box is passed to you, open it, put it back if you have it, close it, and pass it on. Keep your head on the desk so no one will see who has it.' Comes back with two joints.

'Dammit. Everyone into the hall.'. MAA goes down the hall, comes back with a German Shepherd and his partner. 'This is a drug dog. We're gonna do this one more time, then if the dog finds a joint on you, you're going to be arrested.' One at a time they went into the class, opened the box, closed it, came out again. MAA went into the classroom....and found five joints in the box.....

[Angry Floof]

hahaha!

[Keith&Co.]

Okay, so the patrol was winding down and the XO gave the watch sections a presentation on what the upcoming inspections were going to be.
Bored, my nothing i was bored.
Then he lost his place in his 5x7 cards and had to sort everything out. Lost control of the room. Little conversations pop up everywhere. They were talking sports at my table.
XO finally sorts his cards and looks up. MOST people see this and shut up.
So everything's quiet when i turn to my fellow watchstanders and make an off-the-cuff remark.

"I could be downloading amputee dwarf porn right now."
Dead silence. I turn back around to see the XO staring at me. I gave him permission to continue.

We get to port, turn over the boat, conduct the usual routines and finally, about a month or two later, i'm in the off-crew office when this A-ganger slides up next to me in the hall.
"I found that website."
I have NO idea what he's talking about. It was a meaningless throw-away remark. He hands me a folder. I open it up and try to make sense of the gray-scale screen capture of... Of a centaur? A Shetland pony centaur? With a saddle and a-? A?

His little smile was the worst. Like he'd finally found someone to share his interests with, a new friend who... Who screamed like a little girl: "OH MY GOD! IT'S REAL!"

[Angry Floof]

Keith, you tell the best stories.

What made me laugh just now was seeing a link shared on Facebook: "Seven Traits of Highly Magical People."

Of course I took it as satire. Wouldn't you? But no, it's not. It's shared by a couple of my bliss bunny type friends who, wonderful and intelligent folk they may be, probably got a nice big confirmation rush from the list of traits (such as having vivid dreams and high sexual energy).

http://www.mindreality.info/landing/...ecretsfb5.html

I started to answer the questions (Do you think you are magic? Yes, yes, of course I do! Yes, that's totally me!), but it makes you enter an email address to get your magical report so I didn't bother. I already know I'm magical anyway. And apparently, so do some of my Facebook friends! I think I'll start a facebook group just for us magical people.

[James Brown]

"What I don't understand about those pushing for school sponsored prayer is that they want their children to be taught about God by the same people they don't trust to teach math, science, and history."

Seen on another board.