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Thread: Things that make you laugh...

  1. Top | #21
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    I joined the Navy in an advanced electronics program, which included an early promotion. And i chose the AE program of Strategic Weapons, which included an early promotion. So by the middle of my first enlistment, i was an E-5 Petty Officer.
    At the middle of my first enlistment, i was sent to a Tender. All the guys in my division had one or two tours, so we had 4 E-5s and 10 E-6's. No seamen, no seamen apprentices, no recruits. So when they called away a working party, my department tended to send fairly senior personnel compared to the E1s, E2s, E3s sent by every else.
    So I got put in charge of a lot of working parties. And a lot of people kept asking, "Who'd you piss off?"

    One of those rituals was the daily mail run. We would take all the official and personal mail from our command and the submarines alongside and transport them to a boat, which took them to the pier, where we exchanged them for that day's deliveries to the tender, the submarines, Squadron, etc.

    Wasn't terribly complicated. I told everyone to start humping bags.
    One sailor started to pick up one bag that held one registered letter. I stopped him and told him to take all the registered bags at once. One sailor picked up three bags that were too heavy before she found one that was 'just right.' I gave her another light but bulky package to take along.
    AS IT HAPPENS the first slacker was the only black sailor in the working party.
    AS IT HAPPENS, the second slacker was the only female on the working party.
    I didn't care about race or gender, i just wanted the workers to work. These two took the loads i gave them to the boat but didn't come back. Everyone else made two or three trips. I pointed this out to the slackers and they grumbled and moved away.

    One of my friends from a different division was also on the working party and overheard these two complaining about how i was bigoted against blacks and women in the Navy. "Oh, yeah," he said, egging them on. "You should put him on report. You should see how he treats the black guy in his division!"

    The black guy in our division was an idiot of the first order. Treating him as an idiot was not properly called 'racism,' it was called 'paying attention.' I also treated the white idiot in our division like an idiot and for the exact same reason.

    Anyway, they had to be 'encouraged' to take the loads up to the pier, and to take a fair share of loads from the truck back down to the boat.

    We waited for the normal 1500 load of people traveling to the tender to load, then we started across. These two get their heads together with my friend, who has them whipped up into a frenzy of indignation. They are going to report my ass and see that i fry.

    That's when they noticed that i'm talking to the mess decks master at arms for the 1600 to Midnight shift. The MDMAA is sitting very close to me and we talk softly.

    She's a female sailor.

    And she's black.

    And one of the slackers asks aloud, 'Who is that he's talking to?'
    Petey: "Huh? Her? Oh, she's his fiance. But anyway, you need to report him for singling you out. I mean, just because you're not pulling your fair share is no reason for him to treat you like you're on a working party, is it?" He really wanted to see me introduce my fiance at Captain's Mast. Jackass.

    We tie up, the black seaman climbs OVER some of the boxes to grab this heavy crate and starts to drag it up the ladder. The female pushes a guy to the side to grab two boxes that felt like engine parts and staggers off under that load.

    It was two days before Petey could tell me the full story, he kept busting out laughing.

  2. Top | #22
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  3. Top | #23
    Senior Member dendrast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keith&Co. View Post
    Okay, so the patrol was winding down and the XO gave the watch sections a presentation on what the upcoming inspections were going to be.
    Bored, my nothing i was bored.
    Then he lost his place in his 5x7 cards and had to sort everything out. Lost control of the room. Little conversations pop up everywhere. They were talking sports at my table.
    XO finally sorts his cards and looks up. MOST people see this and shut up.
    So everything's quiet when i turn to my fellow watchstanders and make an off-the-cuff remark.

    "I could be downloading amputee dwarf porn right now."
    Dead silence. I turn back around to see the XO staring at me. I gave him permission to continue.

    We get to port, turn over the boat, conduct the usual routines and finally, about a month or two later, i'm in the off-crew office when this A-ganger slides up next to me in the hall.
    "I found that website."
    I have NO idea what he's talking about. It was a meaningless throw-away remark. He hands me a folder. I open it up and try to make sense of the gray-scale screen capture of... Of a centaur? A Shetland pony centaur? With a saddle and a-? A?

    His little smile was the worst. Like he'd finally found someone to share his interests with, a new friend who... Who screamed like a little girl: "OH MY GOD! IT'S REAL!"
    Tyrion? Is that you?
    Is it stuffy in here, or is it just me?

  4. Top | #24
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    Kids are fun. Esp. when they let their guard down.
    ESP. esp when they think they're ahead on points.

    So, i mention having had lots of meetings at work last week that i had to attend, but had no contributoins to make and gained no new tasking from being there. A complete waste of time.
    One kid asked me how i spent my time.
    "Oh, mostly mentally undressing [my coworker] Chris."
    "Would that be Christine?" he asks slyly, "Or Christopher?"
    "Well, on Mondays and Wednesdays," I started to say, holding up my first and third finger.
    "Never mind!" he shouts, running from the table.

  5. Top | #25
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    I attended my son's graduation from Navy boot camp in Great Lakes.

    Liberty goes down in waves. Some got to leave at the end of the ceremony, about 1100, some had to get indoctrinated for their new schools. So there were groups of families at the gate waiting from 1130 to 1700.

    At one point, i was standing behind this little old lady. She was the perfect LOL. Central casting would think of her when anyone said 'we need a grandma for this scene.'
    We watched a class come through the gate, running into the arms of parents, friends, girlfriends and wives.
    My son wasn't in this wave nor was grandma's recruit. But watching people kiss and hug and grope, she turned to a teenaged girl standing next to her and asked: "So. Is he going to make it to the hotel room, you think, or is he going to fuck you in the back seat?"
    "NANA!"

  6. Top | #26
    Tricksy Leftits Angry Floof's Avatar
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    A six year old rock star struggling to get his cool skinny jeans on.

  7. Top | #27
    Veteran Member TV and credit cards's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keith&Co. View Post
    I attended my son's graduation from Navy boot camp in Great Lakes
    What school will he be attending?

    ****************

    Here's something funny. You'll need an understanding of auto mechanics.
    Nerds arguing suspension components
    I love this. In true nerd fashion they do muck their way through and I must say are quite impressive after a time. But these are tier II nerds so they break down early on and devolve into name calling. Maybe it's just me. Maybe you have to be a non-nerd to appreciate this. ILMFAO

  8. Top | #28
    Senior Member dendrast's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TV and credit cards View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Keith&Co. View Post
    I attended my son's graduation from Navy boot camp in Great Lakes
    What school will he be attending?

    ****************

    Here's something funny. You'll need an understanding of auto mechanics.
    Nerds arguing suspension components
    I love this. In true nerd fashion they do muck their way through and I must say are quite impressive after a time. But these are tier II nerds so they break down early on and devolve into name calling. Maybe it's just me. Maybe you have to be a non-nerd to appreciate this. ILMFAO
    I'm glad they explained that. I thought a roll bar was a bagel buffet.
    Is it stuffy in here, or is it just me?

  9. Top | #29
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TV and credit cards View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Keith&Co. View Post
    I attended my son's graduation from Navy boot camp in Great Lakes
    What school will he be attending?
    Basic SN... He's an undesignated Seaman. His A-school deal fell through after he got to Boot.

  10. Top | #30
    Veteran Member TV and credit cards's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keith&Co. View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by TV and credit cards View Post
    What school will he be attending?
    Basic SN... He's an undesignated Seaman. His A-school deal fell through after he got to Boot.
    Mine did to. My fault. There were six of us that were to be Crypto Techs and Intelligence Specialists. We went to interview for our security clearances. Four of us came out as undesignated Seamen. The dude doing the interviews was scary. Sad part was we all caved in the waiting room in front of the cute little receptionist. What a setup.
    When I got to my first ship, I completed nearly every NEETS module on my own in the evenings. Went to the Striker Board and told them I wanted to be a Firecontrolman. Took them nine months to get me in to a school but it worked.
    First Division was tough but I liked some of the work. Nothing like holding a mooring line and watching the water wring out out as it stretches. Lets you know your alive. Or being the brakeman when letting loose the anchor. Holy shit! Good memories.
    Good luck to him.

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