Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 11

Thread: Thar's Gold in Them Thar Hillbillies

  1. Top | #1
    Veteran Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Port Clinton, Ohio
    Posts
    2,205
    Archived
    591
    Total Posts
    2,796
    Rep Power
    61

    Thar's Gold in Them Thar Hillbillies

    I'm proposing an investment group to create a brand new Bible-based tourist attraction -- the Amazing Hill of the Foreskins, from Joshua 5:3. Picture a durable vinyl hill, some 40 or 50 feet tall, with foot-paths to the summit and a picnic area around it. Hill to be painted in bright shades of pink, red, and Mediterranean deep tan.
    Location: My board is currently in discussion on this point. One group proposes the area around Alexandria, Kentucky, which is close to I-75 and which would create a Magic Faith Triangle with the nearby Ark Encounter and the Creation Museum. The group that I head thinks we should locate in Hood County, Texas. Hood. This draws in the Dallas/Fort Worth population.
    Operation: The Hill would be open year-round, although my contractors have told me there would be some shrinkage in cold weather.
    Local employment would be enhanced, as the Hill complex will need a large support staff, including re-enactors for the theatrical events, currently envisioned as:
    The Mass Circumcision - Joshua's Big Mohel-Palooza, the event described in Josh. 5: 2-7.
    Moses's Hot Foot - Moses is saved from being murdered by God when a freshly severed foreskin is rubbed on his foot (Ex. 4:24-6.)
    Big Bag O' Foreskins: David's men kill 200 dudes, circumcise their corpses, and David brings their foreskins to King Saul as a wedding present. (This event will be held in an arena with the theme song 'Love Hurts'. Kids will be able to take selfies with David and the Big Bag.) (Based on I Sam. 18)
    Hepzibah's Stitches: from I Sam. 24; Hepzibah takes the foreskin from the slain Goliath and fashions it into vestal robes for the 12 virgins of Shechem. Okay, I made that one up.
    Goals:
    1. To return a profit to the investors.
    2. To provide a faith-building family vacation spot. "Draw Back the Curtain to Adventure!"
    3. Hopefully, to cause all Christians to exclaim in wonder as they leave, "Jesus Christ! Why does God have this obsession with the goddamned foreskin???!!!"

  2. Top | #2
    Formerly Joedad
    Join Date
    Mar 2001
    Location
    PA USA
    Posts
    5,277
    Archived
    5,039
    Total Posts
    10,316
    Rep Power
    75
    Quote Originally Posted by ideologyhunter View Post
    I'm proposing an investment group to create a brand new Bible-based tourist attraction -- the Amazing Hill of the Foreskins, from Joshua 5:3. Picture a durable vinyl hill, some 40 or 50 feet tall, with foot-paths to the summit and a picnic area around it. Hill to be painted in bright shades of pink, red, and Mediterranean deep tan.
    Location: My board is currently in discussion on this point. One group proposes the area around Alexandria, Kentucky, which is close to I-75 and which would create a Magic Faith Triangle with the nearby Ark Encounter and the Creation Museum. The group that I head thinks we should locate in Hood County, Texas. Hood. This draws in the Dallas/Fort Worth population.
    Operation: The Hill would be open year-round, although my contractors have told me there would be some shrinkage in cold weather.
    Local employment would be enhanced, as the Hill complex will need a large support staff, including re-enactors for the theatrical events, currently envisioned as:
    The Mass Circumcision - Joshua's Big Mohel-Palooza, the event described in Josh. 5: 2-7.
    Moses's Hot Foot - Moses is saved from being murdered by God when a freshly severed foreskin is rubbed on his foot (Ex. 4:24-6.)
    Big Bag O' Foreskins: David's men kill 200 dudes, circumcise their corpses, and David brings their foreskins to King Saul as a wedding present. (This event will be held in an arena with the theme song 'Love Hurts'. Kids will be able to take selfies with David and the Big Bag.) (Based on I Sam. 18)
    Hepzibah's Stitches: from I Sam. 24; Hepzibah takes the foreskin from the slain Goliath and fashions it into vestal robes for the 12 virgins of Shechem. Okay, I made that one up.
    Goals:
    1. To return a profit to the investors.
    2. To provide a faith-building family vacation spot. "Draw Back the Curtain to Adventure!"
    3. Hopefully, to cause all Christians to exclaim in wonder as they leave, "Jesus Christ! Why does God have this obsession with the goddamned foreskin???!!!"
    That's a great start but you at least need foreskin hammocks in the picnic area and foreskin balloon rides.

    Oh yes, and big, hairy, beanbag chairs in all the viewing areas.

  3. Top | #3
    Veteran Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Maryland, USA
    Posts
    2,936
    Archived
    1,927
    Total Posts
    4,863
    Rep Power
    66
    Instead of selling caps in the gift shop, you can sell helmets.

  4. Top | #4
    Super Moderator Atheos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Heart of the Bible Belt
    Posts
    2,429
    Archived
    5,807
    Total Posts
    8,236
    Rep Power
    60
    And don't forget to include an observatory where Christians can view the holy prepuce itself in orbit around Saturn!

  5. Top | #5
    Veteran Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Port Clinton, Ohio
    Posts
    2,205
    Archived
    591
    Total Posts
    2,796
    Rep Power
    61
    Great suggestions. Any ideas for theme-based snacks at the concessions?

  6. Top | #6
    Contributor skepticalbip's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Searching for reality along the long and winding road
    Posts
    5,098
    Archived
    12,976
    Total Posts
    18,074
    Rep Power
    63
    Quote Originally Posted by hurtinbuckaroo View Post
    Instead of selling caps in the gift shop, you can sell helmets.
    I think flesh colored berets with a large hole in the top would be more appropriate.

  7. Top | #7
    Cyborg with a Tiara
    Join Date
    Feb 2001
    Location
    Recluse
    Posts
    7,854
    Archived
    9,040
    Total Posts
    16,894
    Rep Power
    82
    Quote Originally Posted by ideologyhunter View Post
    Great suggestions. Any ideas for theme-based snacks at the concessions?
    Wieners, no buns.

  8. Top | #8
    Elder Contributor
    Join Date
    Feb 2001
    Location
    Located 100 miles east of A in America
    Posts
    24,306
    Archived
    42,473
    Total Posts
    66,779
    Rep Power
    100
    Quote Originally Posted by Rhea View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by ideologyhunter View Post
    Great suggestions. Any ideas for theme-based snacks at the concessions?
    Wieners, no buns.
    Or condiments or he’ll kick your ass.

  9. Top | #9
    Veteran Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Port Clinton, Ohio
    Posts
    2,205
    Archived
    591
    Total Posts
    2,796
    Rep Power
    61
    Actually we're thinking of a line of really tender, stretchy bagels.

  10. Top | #10
    Veteran Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Maryland, USA
    Posts
    2,936
    Archived
    1,927
    Total Posts
    4,863
    Rep Power
    66
    Quote Originally Posted by ideologyhunter View Post
    Great suggestions. Any ideas for theme-based snacks at the concessions?
    Gotta have pork rinds.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •