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Thread: Joke gallery

  1. Top | #1821
    Loony Running The Asylum ZiprHead's Avatar
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    As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
    As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost….
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    When conservatives realize they cannot win democratically, they will not abandon conservatism. They will abandon democracy.

  2. Top | #1822
    Veteran Member Tigers!'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZiprHead View Post

    /not a derail
    The shape suprises me.
    In Australia in my neighbourhood in the 70s we started to remove septic tanks after the city was finally sewered.
    My church set up a scheme to help the older members and those who could not afford it, a tank removal working bee.
    We removed at least 2 dozen and all were cylindrical.
    My rellies had these done to and I cannot remember any of that shape or non-cylindrical.
    Cultural or manufacturing perhaps?
    NOTE: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.

  3. Top | #1823
    Content Thief Elixir's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tigers! View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by ZiprHead View Post

    /not a derail
    The shape suprises me.
    In Australia in my neighbourhood in the 70s we started to remove septic tanks after the city was finally sewered.
    My church set up a scheme to help the older members and those who could not afford it, a tank removal working bee.
    We removed at least 2 dozen and all were cylindrical.
    My rellies had these done to and I cannot remember any of that shape or non-cylindrical.
    Cultural or manufacturing perhaps?
    Looks like a 2-piece... never seen that either. When we built our current house I had an oversized tank (1800gal iirc) installed. It's oval and has two compartments and two access holes...

  4. Top | #1824
    Veteran Member C_Mucius_Scaevola's Avatar
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    A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
    While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
    The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
    For $100, the cabby agrees.
    Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
    The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
    The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
    HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
    HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
    HE paid for your Swan's season ticket.
    HE paid for our house at the lake.
    HE paid for your African tour and even the 4 x 4.
    HE paid for our country club membership, and he even pays my Credit Card bill!'
    Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
    The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold"

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