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Thread: Joke gallery

  1. Top | #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by pegasus8 View Post
    If a Pollock a Mexican and a Scotsman jumped off the Empire State Building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?

    Why the Scotsman silly. The Mexican would stop to write his name on the wall and the Pollock would miss.

    Peace people

    Pegasus
    How does a fish jump anyway?

  2. Top | #22
    Veteran Member TV and credit cards's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pegasus8 View Post
    If a Pollock a Mexican and a Scotsman jumped off the Empire State Building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?

    Why the Scotsman silly. The Mexican would stop to write his name on the wall and the Pollock would miss.

    Peace people

    Pegasus
    Quote Originally Posted by Loren Pechtel View Post
    How does a fish jump anyway?
    The fish missed because it was hit by a drunk in an Oldsmobile.

  3. Top | #23
    Elder Contributor Underseer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atheos View Post
    Q: Who's the most popular dude at the nudist colony?

    A: The one who can carry a dozen doughnuts and two cups of coffee.


    [...]
    If his wee-wee fits in a donut hole, he's not going to be that popular.

  4. Top | #24
    Mrs Frizzle gmbteach's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Underseer View Post
    If his wee-wee fits in a donut hole, he's not going to be that popular.
    OH BOY!! I wish guys would get over the notion that size is important...It isn't... it's how you use it

  5. Top | #25
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    MARRIAGE SEMINAR
    While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

    The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

  6. Top | #26
    Veteran Member Atheos's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Underseer View Post
    If his wee-wee fits in a donut hole, he's not going to be that popular.
    Maybe he carries the doughnuts in a box with his hands but he's so skilled in wiener-fu he can stack two cups of coffee (with saucers) on the sturdy tip of his ordinary size member, balancing them while walking and not spilling any. That should pique the interest of any ladies more interested in technique than size.

  7. Top | #27
    Veteran Member NobleSavage's Avatar
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    A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island.

    They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

    At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...

    He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...

    One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

    But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...

    She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...

    "Really?, youll do anything id like?"

    "yes" she said "anything!"

    "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"

    "ok..."

    "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"

    "wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.

    "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"

    she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.

    "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"

    "ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.

    "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...

    She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"

  8. Top | #28
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton watch, most of the ship was empty for the night.

    A few piers down, a ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an orangutan, who broke out of his cage.

    The ape traveled the waterfront in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering around.

    He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance, ignored the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an extremely high voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is suddenly dark throughout.

    A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body. They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other. They look at his face for a long time.

    Finally, the third class tells the seaman: 'Okay, his legs are too short for a machinist mate, his arms are too long for a boiler tech, and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call the wardroom, see if any of the junior officers are missing.'

    - - - Updated - - -

    Two Air Force fighter jets in transit to Reykjavik fly over a P3 Orion on subhunter patrol. They decide to have some fun, and fly down to either side of slower craft. They connect on the radio, and pass the time of day with the Navy pilot.

    Then one jet pilot says, 'Hey watch this!' He shoots ahead to supersonic, points the nose up, pops up into the sky and disappears. He comes back into view behind them, screaming out of the sky, flies between the other two planes, pulls up just short of hitting the Atlantic, and eases back up to their altitude. He ends up in formation again.

    The other jet pilot says, 'Hey, watch THIS!' Shoots straight down, to just-above-wave-level, tips over upside down, flies almost INTO a wave, turns over, sharp turn, spirals up until he actually circles the other two planes, then pulls into the formation again.

    The P3 pilot says, 'That's nothing. Watch closely.' With that, he gets out of his seat, waves, and walks out of the cockpit back into the plane. A few minutes later, he comes forward again, sits down and dons the headphones. 'How was THAT?'

    'What the hell did you do?' they ask.

    'I put a burrito in the microwave, caught the score on the game, ate the burrito, and woke up my copilot. He's gotta fly this thing for a while.'

  9. Top | #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keith&Co. View Post
    A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton watch, most of the ship was empty for the night.

    A few piers down, a ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an orangutan, who broke out of his cage.

    The ape traveled the waterfront in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering around.

    He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance, ignored the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an extremely high voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is suddenly dark throughout.

    A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body. They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other. They look at his face for a long time.

    Finally, the third class tells the seaman: 'Okay, his legs are too short for a machinist mate, his arms are too long for a boiler tech, and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call the wardroom, see if any of the junior officers are missing.'

    - - - Updated - - -

    Two Air Force fighter jets in transit to Reykjavik fly over a P3 Orion on subhunter patrol. They decide to have some fun, and fly down to either side of slower craft. They connect on the radio, and pass the time of day with the Navy pilot.

    Then one jet pilot says, 'Hey watch this!' He shoots ahead to supersonic, points the nose up, pops up into the sky and disappears. He comes back into view behind them, screaming out of the sky, flies between the other two planes, pulls up just short of hitting the Atlantic, and eases back up to their altitude. He ends up in formation again.

    The other jet pilot says, 'Hey, watch THIS!' Shoots straight down, to just-above-wave-level, tips over upside down, flies almost INTO a wave, turns over, sharp turn, spirals up until he actually circles the other two planes, then pulls into the formation again.

    The P3 pilot says, 'That's nothing. Watch closely.' With that, he gets out of his seat, waves, and walks out of the cockpit back into the plane. A few minutes later, he comes forward again, sits down and dons the headphones. 'How was THAT?'

    'What the hell did you do?' they ask.

    'I put a burrito in the microwave, caught the score on the game, ate the burrito, and woke up my copilot. He's gotta fly this thing for a while.'
    Man, I heard those when I was a JO. Thirty freakin years ago! Actually the second punch line was that he took a crap. Now that's something fighter jocks miss!

    SLD

  10. Top | #30
    Elder Contributor Keith&Co.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SLD View Post
    Man, I heard those when I was a JO. Thirty freakin years ago!
    That's odd, i wrote the Borneo joke a mere 10 years ago... (pause to count on my fingers. Retired ... Oh! Fourteen years ago. Made the joke on the command that... Which would be back in... Man, that long ago?) Wait, never mind.

    Then you probably heard:

    An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard the command.

    'Sailor,' he asked, 'what would you do if someone fell over the rail?'

    'Officer or enlisted?' was the instant reply.

    'Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?'

    'Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery.'

    'Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what's the difference? What would you do if an officer fell over the side?'

    The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, 'Which one?'
    Last edited by Keith&Co.; 04-02-2014 at 04:58 PM. Reason: Counting my age on my fingers

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